Oh, hey guys. It’s certainly been a while since I’ve last submitted my mental purging onto the web. I wanted to stay away from this form because I felt like it became a place for me to continue reburying my grandfather. While I still have issues, I think I’m growing positively in that department. So that’s the last time I’ll bring him up here unless it’s relevant.
Ok, now that we got that precursor out of the way, lets move onto another subject I’ve been wanting to avoid–faith. I used to be filled with the stuff. Grace, hands up during praise & worship at church, calling everyone “friend” and only reading books regarding Christianity. I even got some Christian tattoos to prove to everyone how Christian I was. Even after getting married, we found a couple of great churches to attend. We’ve loved the two that we’ve found together, Flatland in Omaha and Mosaic here in Lincoln. We used to go to Flatland every week. The drive got a bit old but the content and worship made it worth it. Jack was just a babe when we went and most weeks we would get interrupted with cranky bubba, so we slowly quit going, until we stopped altogether.
We then found Mosaic here in Lincoln and we liked it a lot. It had the same qualities Flatland had. Great content and fantastic (but sometimes too loud *damn kids and their loud music*) worship. The people all were genuine and we fell in love. We then had Miles who was a pup when we first started going. He wasn’t old enough to hang with Jack and they had a small room with a lot of people. Miles wasn’t a fan, so we would get pulled out. And we slowly quit going, until we stopped altogether.
Truth be told, I haven’t really missed it. My wife has some pretty deep scars from her experiences with a local group/church here in town. She has been slowly wanting to get back but wanting to do so with a peaceful, yet protective heart. Yet another reason for me to say “well, lets just go when things settle down.” I’ve been ok with not attending. And since we’ve stopped, my attitude and my overall general behavior have shown this. I’ve always had a potty mouth. I’ve always drank a lot more than a father of two kids should. I’ve always been super judgmental of people who gave ever “given me a reason to.” The pastor of a church quit following me on some social media sites after I had a stupid cursing outburst during a football game, and honestly, I have had a hard time wondering why so I’ve found reasons to stop attending-afraid of the judgment and being ashamed. Mostly being ashamed.
I have been Godless for a couple of years now. No anger about it. No hard feelings. Just haven’t been living with Him in my life. It wasn’t until we had to take my son to the hospital to have a foreign object removed from his eye that I found myself praying again. While I knew that I had no right to be praying out of convenience, it was natural to go there. Some of the old feelings started creeping back. While we were waiting the hospital visit, I was at work and listening to some old David Crowder that always made me feel a bit better. It got me thinking about the example I am setting for my children. Not only in my behavior but in neglecting to introduce them to some of the beliefs that Jenny and I agreed to when we started having children.
Having faith isn’t about living this perfect life. To me, faith is going towards Christ, even after a few years, a few mistakes, and a lot of pride. Maybe it’s still in there. It’ll take a while to get back there. But this time, I’m not going to force it. I am going to just take each day at a time. Each Sunday service, I’ll go and have a clear and open mind. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll find my way back in His arms. Not only for myself, but for my wife who needs me to lead her. And my children who need me to hold their hand and show them the way. It’s time to come home.