Down…

Have you ever felt like most aspects of your life are finally coming together the way you’ve always wanted them to? Where you find yourself living the life you’ve been craving for so long, you’re thrilled and impressed with yourself for finding yourself exactly where you wanted to be?

That’s currently where I am. Yet, I’m battling some demons. I feel depressed and just flat out down in the dumps.

Jenny and I have been working out and dieting like crazy lately. She’s down 10 pounds and I’m down 23 in two months. We have found a church home that we have absolutely fallen in love with. We are both happy in our work and we have two beautiful, fun, and happy little redheaded demons that we love to death. And still…I find myself staring into space, feeling empty inside.

Now don’t get me wrong, I understand the blessings I have in my life and I am so thankful for what I have. I’ve been thinking about what could be ailing me as much as I am and I can’t really pinpoint one thing. I am not writing this for reassurance, but maybe just simply to purge. Believe me when I say this, my heart hurts…to the core. This isn’t your typical “woe is me” type sadness, but an “I need to figure this shit out and quickly” type sadness.

This has been going on for about a week. So looking back on the past week at all of the things I’ve done, I can name a few key moments.

1) Jack and I had a big meltdown. He wasn’t listening and I really yelled at him. Shortly after, I realized that I just verbally kicked my three year old in the balls. I felt like a terrible dad in that moment, and I’m having a hard time forgiving myself

2) I realized that outside of my family (which I love) I don’t have many outside of work friends. I figured at thirty, I’d have a core group of friends to smoke cigars, drink whiskey and play cards in the garage with on Friday nights. Instead, I’m blogging and listening to sappy shitty music.

3) I found that losing weight and eating healthy isn’t easy. In fact, it sucks. It’s hard. And I cave into temptation very easily. Then I beat myself up shortly after.

4) It’s so damn hot. It prevents us from doing a lot of the things we would like to do during summer, but find ourselves getting burned out quickly from being out in the heat.

5) I still miss my gramps. I miss his laugh and his love. I miss my mentor, my friend, and my muchacho.

Two nights ago, I sat at our kitchen table after we put the kids to bed and I wept. I hit a breaking point and just had to let go. My loving wife helped me realize that I’m not superman. I  shouldn’t be taking on all of these things life changing goals head on at the same time. It’s a lot to handle for anybody.

Maybe reality is finally setting in. Plain and simple…I’m not as young as I used to be. Maybe it’s time to take a step back, prioritize my life, what I want, and tackle one at a time.

Today, my problems were put into prospective as one crazy asshole went into a movie theatre and killed 12 innocent people and injured dozens more. For what? Now, we can’t even take our kids to the movie without fear of the unknown. As I got home from work, I hugged my kids as hard as I legally could and I told each of my boys how much I love them, how much they mean to me and that without them, I would be lost.

Todays events doesn’t take away our everyday problems. My sadness still lingers, but maybe the reality of my situation is that as long as I have my family, a job that provides for us and my beating heart, I will and should be happy. Petty things in the end are simply petty. In the moment they are what they are, but we’re all one fatal date night away from the end.

Wow. what a downer. Maybe this will make up for it.

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One thought on “Down…

  1. Hi – I stumbled onto your blog by Googling Mumford & Sons lyrics (the cave, and specifically the “I’ll know my name as it’s called again” line). I just wanted to let you know I enjoyed reading through your postings, and much of what you wrote echoed with me. So, from a fellow 30-something guy reflecting on life and his role, lacking (guy or otherwise) friends outside of work, trying to be a good husband, and who also hit a (figurative) wall when his grandfather died a few years ago, I wish you luck, strength and peace. I’ll keep reading. -Mike

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