I’ll know my name as it’s called again…

I don’t know exactly what it is, I can’t describe it but I’ll give it a try. The type of man that I feel I am now that I am a dad of 1 (Jack) and another on the way…the change it brought about is something that I think only dad’s feel.  While at the same time, we are still the inappropriate, gassy, handsome men we were before kids…there’s something that clicks inside of us. I feel a sense of urgency when it comes to Jack.  I want to make sure he’s taken care of. I want to make sure he grows up a big, strong, chivalrous, and respectable young man.

While the wants and desires are there for him to be like that, it’s not always the easiest thing to put into action.  Being a dad is definitely the toughest thing I’ve ever done.  It’s frustrating, it’s tiring, but it’s also amazing. One thing I’ve learned with Jack’s new found independence is that I can now give him options because he’s beginning to understand the difference between right and wrong. I know that he will not always pick the right path, but if I lead him down the right path 95% of the time-hopefully he will see the pattern and continue it long into life.

A few things I wish I would have learned while younger: 1) How to save money and manage debt 2) The love of a woman is special-but men can ruin it with promiscuity 3) Finish what you start 4) Find what you love and go for it!

At times-because of my track record and the choices I made, I don’t feel as if I’m qualified to be a dad.  I don’t feel like I’m deserving of the love I get from my wife & son.  I feel like the Karma Police should come and take me away and send me to the Death Eaters. Because I only ever heard “I love you” from my grandfather/grandmother/mom, at times-i didn’t feel love. My mom loved me with all she had-and there’s absolutely nothing like a mothers love. But there is something about not feeling the love from your dad that stings. Because of this I’m still struggling with the fact that people do love me. I don’t understand the concept of God’s love. After all of the crap I put people through, I’m supposed to believe that my God loves like a hurricane. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel His love a lot. And honestly-at times I feel like I don’t love my family as much as I can because of this.

The stories we live aren’t always going to have happy endings. The climax of our stories can get ugly. What I’ve found is that while the stories may suck at times while you are in the middle of them, it’s how we react, it’s how we struggle, it’s how we resolve that makes a story worth living.  I know that our God will be there to let us feel love when we need it. We just have to be willing to accept it. I need to depend on my Maker’s Hand.

I’m in the middle of my story and things are beginning to work out for us. Another baby is on the way, we are working on a lot of our debt, I am in the running for a job that will let me use my talents the best way possible, and I’m working on being the dad that my son deserves.  I’m going to love him, discipline him, kiss him and love on him with all that I am.  I’m on my way to knowing my name as it’s called again.

Mumford & Sons-The Cave

It’s empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you’ve left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I’ll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker’s hand

So make your siren’s call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

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