It’s time to return home…

i stumbled across my blog at http://www.maestas.voxtropolis.com  that i kept over two years ago when i was just getting married and my life as husband was just beginning.  we had no child waking us up before the cock a doodle doo’s of the day-we could go to concerts when we wanted-we didn’t know what “yo gabba gabba” was and we spent every waking moment we had at the coffee house discussing the latest music/movies/drinking mochas and talking about our future.  I wouldn’t be human if i said i didn’t ever miss those times-because sometimes i do.  But the life that I have now with our new family is something i wouldn’t trade for the world.  seeing my son smile first thing in the morning gives me the motivation to get through a workday.  seeing my beautiful wife transform from wife to mother has been truly amazing.  How she does it I will never know.  How she handles that boy without ever putting him in the dumpster is truly awe-inspiring!

jenny and jack

back to the blog-i was reading over them and it is amazing how close i was with God at the time.  Every blog thanked Him, praised Him, and even though we didn’t have our boy at the time-i would have said at that point i was so happy with that life.  I’m so happy with my life now with my family-but I hate hate HATE where I am in my life spiritually.  Here is a small excerpt:

So how do I shed this skin?  How do I live a more healthy and full life with my feet firmly planted in a solid foundation?

I think i’m going to have to rid my life of the things that keep me from seeing the beauty of our God.  I think I must also rid myself of the anger and contempt that I have for people and certain situations.  I must also rid myself of an attitude of a lackadaisical Christ follower.  Easier said than done im sure.

But sometimes you just have to start from scratch.

I think about how strong i was at that time….how i was a leader to my wife….and i look at who i am now.  I am not writing this at all for pity.  but it truly disgusts me how i’ve come to this.  I remember hearing my mom say “one day you’ll look in the mirror and not recognize the person looking back.”  that is where I’m at.  i’m not the person my wife married and i’m not the father my son needs.  things need to change.  that tends to be the topic of a lot of my blogs but this time feels different.

I feel like at times God would see me as the Prodigal son.  Leaving after he’s given me what I asked him for….then completely turning my back on Him.  I forget that His heart can hurt because of my actions…my words…yet He will always forgive me…always take me back.

I need to turn around.  I need to return to my calling…return to the husband and the father that He built me to be.  I have strayed far but I need to return.  My heart has felt so full but yet missing something….i think it’s pretty obvious what that is…

Dustin Kensrue-Please Come Home

Well, I woke one morning
Found you staring down at me
You said “I’ll take my share now, father please”
And you took your money
And you took your leave
You drilled my heart and turned your back on me

And you hit the town
And you hit the bottle hard
You race ’round in your fancy cars and you blow all your money
On brothels, beds, and bars
Before you know your broken times get hard

I still stand here waiting
With my eyes fixed on the road
And I fight back tears and I wonder
If you’re ever coming home
Don’t you know son that I love you
And I don’t care where you’ve been
So please come home

And now you’ve hit bottom
All those open doors have shut
And you’re hungry stomach’s tied in knots
But I know what you’re thinking
That you troubled me enough
Nothing could ever separate you from my love

I still stand here waiting
With my eyes fixed on the road
And I fight back tears and I wonder
If you’re ever coming home
Don’t you know son that I love you
And I don’t care where you’ve been

Yes and I’ll be right here waiting
‘Till you come around the bend
And I run to you and hold you close
Won’t let go again

So, please come home
Please come home

Don’t you know son that I love you?
And I don’t care where you’ve been
Please come home

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