fatherhood….

Growing up-I always had a father figure around in my life.  Phil was very good with me.  Disciplined me, taught me right from wrong, coached baseball.  I definitely didn’t deserve what he gave me, and I am so grateful that he is my father.  Something though has always been missing.  I just finished a book called “To Own A Dragon” by Donald Miller.  It was an honest look into growing up without your father who’s blood runs through your own veins.  It was good because it taught me that no matter what I feel I missed out on, I will always have a Father looking out for me.  Cheezy and corny I know, but something I needed to hear none the less.  As great as Phil has been, the only man to verbally tell me he loved me was my grandfather.  That doesn’t mean that Phil doesn’t love me, I know he does but he’s just not the type of guy to verbalize it.

Tomorrow at 8:46PM, my son will turn 13 weeks old.  I have become the father of this amazing, beautiful little man whose smile and tears make me melt every single day.  I have to be honest and say that for probably the first 8 weeks, I did not feel much of a connection with Jack and it tore me apart.  I think back to when I first laid eyes on Jack, the rush of emotions going through me….the anxiety, fear, excitement.  I wrapped my arms around him, we stared at each other for a few minutes and I was amazed by him.  When he came home-I thought the white picket fence would automatically go up, a mini van would poof up into the driveway and my wife would wear a polka dotted white & red dress every single day.  None of that happened (although the white & red polkadotted dress is still a nice dream to keep) and I thought I was doing something wrong.  Even though I didn’t have true expectations of what was going to happen, I didn’t think it’d be the way it was.   I took that as me doing something wrong-not doing enough.  As I look back-i couldn’t have been any more wrong.

I see Jack in a new light today.  Someone who will continue on my legacy-who will ask me to play catch with him-want piggy back rides-take him on the roller coaster and all of that great stuff.  But for now-he needs me to hold him-coo at him-change him-feed him-and snuggle with him-sing him “take me out to the ball game” and the ABC’s.  The other stuff will come-I have finally learned that patience will bring great things.

I honestly can not say enough about how amazing my beautiful wife has been during this process.  I have seen her grow into this person I always knew she was going to be.  She’s still my wife-but has transformed into this completely different woman.  Now to not insert foot into mouth as I tend to do more times than not-she has always been amazing with me-has taken amazing care of me-but it has grown to a different level.  The way she holds Jack, kisses him, sings to him, rocks him to sleep, plays with him, and fights through sleepless nights makes me feel more than ever that there is not a single woman out there who could be a better wife and mother for our family.  She is the glue that holds us together-who keeps me sane-and for that-I am eternally grateful to her.  You are my rock.

I hope that I can become the man that they deserve.  I hope that I can protect them and shelter them and make them feel confident that under my protection-they are going to be ok.  That is my prayer tonight.

I have to end this by saying that without my crazy, delusional, and disfunctional family back in Cozad-I wouldn’t be half the father to Jack and the husband to Jenny that I am-not that I’m anywhere close to where i’d like to be.  You guys have molded me in a way that I hope Jack and Jenny never go a day without feeling loved.  For you all, Mom-Dad-Rosey-and Gramps-I am forever grateful and love you all completely.

Give me more lovin’ than I’ve ever had,
Make it all better when I’m feelin’ sad,
Tell me that I’m special even when I know I’m not,
Make it feel good when I hurt so bad, Barely gettin’ mad,
I’m so glad I found you; I love bein’ around you.

You make it easy, it’s easy as 1, 2- 1, 2, 3, 4
There’s only 1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 you- (I love you) I love you
There’s only 1 way 2 say those 3 words and that’s what I’ll do-(I love you)
I love you.

Give me more lovin’ from the very start,
Piece me back together when I fall apart,
Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends-
Make it feel good when I hurt so bad, Best that I’ve had,
I’m so glad I found you, I love bein’ around you.

You make it easy, it’s easy as 1, 2- 1, 2, 3, 4
There’s only 1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 you- (I love you) I love you
There’s only 1 way 2 say those 3 words and that’s what I’ll do- (I love you)
I love you.
(I love you) I love you.

You make it easy, it’s easy as 1, 2- 1, 2, 3, 4
There’s only 1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 you- (I love you) I love you
There’s only 1 way 2 say those 3 words and that’s what I’ll do-(I love you)
I love you.

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