Things change…from this point on.

I have known I was going to be a dad for over 6 months now. I think back to my own days as a child-care free, unending love from my mom and grandparents. I remember always having somebody protect me, take care of me if I ever got hurt. I remember my dad holding me when I was 14 after hearing that grandma died. I remember my mom bringing me chicken noodle soup and crackers and 7 up whenever i was sick. I remember being taken care of. I never realized that need to take care of a child. I’ve never appreciated it like i do…..now.

We had to meet with a specialist yesterday to have our little baby jack checked out. This will have been our third ultrasound. The first one was unlike anything i’ve ever experienced. Seeing our boy-this little life that we created-so precious-so small-growing strong inside of his mom…brings tears to my eyes whenever I think of the joy that we felt on that day. They saw something that day that warranted a second ultrasound. One of his kidneys looked a bit brighter than the other-no big deal but something to be checked out none-the-less. We go back for our second ultra sound and a lot of the same thing. His kidney was still a bit bigger. So they recommend that we go see the specialist.

This is when things get interesting. We go in thinking that this kidney thing shouldn’t be a big deal-and with this high tech ultrasound, it really wasn’t too big of a deal. Everything looks great-amniotic fluid levels are really good and he shouldnt have any troubles with his kidney. They decide to look at the heart since the heart and kidney kind of grow together. They see something that they have to look at for a while without really saying anything. They tell us that we should set up an appointment in 4 weeks to follow up on something. They told us that he has a couple of holes in his heart. This is not too uncommon they say-but the size of the holes are larger than he’d like to see. Most of the time they close up on their own-but worse case scenario is that after 3 months after delivery if they still aren’t closed-they will have to perform surgery on our little boy.

Shock…..silence…..helplessness…..tears…..

I remember being 10 at boyscout camp. There was a thunderstorm going through and I was so scared. Even though it was probably silly to be scared-my mom still showed up to let me know that things were going to be ok. I remember feeling the soft felt of my grandmothers jacket against my cheek as she held me close letting me know that nothing would ever, ever hurt me as long as she was around.

Safety….security…..

I sit here-knowing that my little boy is still growing. I wish so much….that i could hold him and let him know that everything is going to be ok. I want nothing more for him to be in our arms, knowing that mom and dad will love him endlessly I want nothing more than our boy to feel safe. But I can’t and dammit I feel so helpless. My heart is broken for my little boy. I hope that our hearts can heal together.

Jack-my good strong little buddy. You are 3 months from letting us meet you. You won’t be able to read this for a while. But I want you to know that your daddy loves you. He loves you with all of his heart!!! I wish so much that I could just put my arms around you and somehow make you better. But you just keep on growing strong!!! Your precious little heart is still growing and with God’s grace and his love-you will come out perfect!! Beautiful, strong and perfect!!!! I love you monkey!!! I will see you in 3 short months ok!

Lord-I am a selfish man. I am broken and at times it feels I am beyond repair. I have done nothing to earn your love, your grace, your help. But I come to you in this time of despair. I come to you broken with my heart on my sleeve. I pray Father, that you help keep me strong for Jenny and for Jack. I pray Father, that you put your loving, healing hands upon my son, that his heart’s holes can close. Father, I have never been farther from your love. I don’t know how to handle this. Please God, please take this from us. Please give us a healthy child. I love you Father. With all of my heart-you are mine. Amen.
Everything always ended up ok. Surrounded by great family and friends. Always a great support system. And the love of our Lord, our God, our Father. Things always ended up ok. I can ask nothing more of any of you, than to sit down for 30 seconds and say a prayer for our little boy. Please pray that his heart grows strong and that everything turns out ok. That’s all I can ask of any of you. We love you all….all of you who read this.

I usually put lyrics up-but I just can’t do it this time. I must put this up instead.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses. As we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, FOREVER AND EVER! Amen.

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