With arms wide open

There’s something about the last few days of being comfortable that I can’t quite describe.  6 years ago, it was just me.  5 years ago, it turned into me and Jenny who became my wife.  2 years ago we welcomed a son into this family.  Now, in less than 13 days we will once again, step out of our comfort zone, out of what we know and into parenthood again.  It’s a feeling I enjoy but it’s a bit frightening at the same time.  We have a little monster at 2 years old that is independent and cranky and full of love and huge 2 year old poops and we love him.  But he is a mother lovin handful! Here’s the deal…I wouldn’t trade jack in for anything.  I would straight up die for that kid.  If someone said “Jack’s life is in danger and the only way he can be safe is if you take a gun to your head and end your life,” I would do it.  But one is easy ( for the most part.) I don’t know what’s going to happen with two.  It’s scary….

But it’s also beautiful, knowing that soon I will see this little man who has been kicking mommy’s ribs trying to escape the hatch he’s been locked in for 8.5 months pressing the numbers 4 8 15 16 23 42 over and over so mommy’s uterus doesn’t blow up.  I remember holding Jack for the first time.  Hands down, the best moment of my life.

But what will happen with number 2?  Will holding him for the first time take over as the best moment?  Will there be things I love about Miles that I don’t like about Jack and vice versa?  How do you love them both the same?  Does it just happen that way or do you have to fight it?  The unknown is ugly.

I have a hard time believing that I could ever think one is better than the other. They may have different traits but in the end, they are my blood…my life…my sons.  I am so lucky to have 2 boys to teach, to love, to share adventure with and a wife that will give all she can to this family.

Pregnancy is beautiful.  To see my boy grow inside of his mommy has been fun.  I haven’t been able to take many pictures during this pregnancy but we got out on a sub zero day to take some pictures.  I want to share some of the beauty with you that I’ve been blessed with. I’m excited to share this journey of the addition to our family with you.  If you are the praying type, please pray for an easy labor, a healthy boy, and a 2 year old who feels we could never love him less than we do now!

Gurl, you’re amazing-just the way you are…

I will admit, seeing Jack for the very first time was definitely the best day of my life.  But there is a day that tends to get forgotten about in the midst of daddyhood, poopy diapers and Disney/Pixar’s Cars playing over and over and over and over and over and over…the day I got married.

Sometimes I feel like I’m only dad and I forget about the husband part.  That’s pretty bush league, but it’s the God’s honest truth.  When we become dads, a lot of times we become less of a husband.  It’s all of the small things…the massages become fewer and more far between, the random dances in the kitchen when your favorite Richard Marx song comes on the Pandoras, running fingers through her hair (but forget to wash your hands after you take a piss and get in more trouble than you would have been in before..nevermind) the point is…the day you become a dad, your marriage tends to get pushed a little to the backseat.

Now that Jack is getting older and more independent, I’ve been thinking about my marriage and how parenthood has affected it.  We still flirt but after bubba bedtime-we’re pretty beat and tend to relax and choose to forgo our 3 month scheduled sexual endeavor (how the fuzzle did we pass on pirate/piratess night?!?!)

I want to get back to the point where I do came first. I want to let my bride know that she’s still my main lady and that my heart will ache for nobody but her.  I want her to know that I would give up everything to make her feel my love.  She is my heart.

Here are a few things I love about Mrs. Jenny Maestas

1) That smile kills me

2) That Sweet sweet ass

3) No matter how rough of a day she’s had, she always finds time to show her love to me

4) #3 is usually in the form of a lengthy back scratch

5) She is the most beautiful woman these eyes have ever seen-Truth

6) She has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met

7) Cursing is not natural to her and when she does-it’s the cutest motha lovin thing ever!

8 ) She is the perfect mother to mah babies

9) I know that for life-she will love me more closer to the end than she did in the beginning

10) In the mornings-when we snuggle before I leave for work-she wakes up and nuzzles her head underneath mine and I feel like she is all mine-she trusts me to protect her-that I am a man and I don’t feel more alive than when I’m with her.

Being a dad=being a good husband and role model to our sons and showing them the right way to love a woman.

thank you-for everything….I’m glad you own my heart.

I love you, Norm! Girl you’re amazing, just the way you are!

Bruno Mars-Just the way you are

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they’re not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She’s so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don’t see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she’d let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She’s so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you’re searching for
Then just stay the same

So don’t even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are

An Easy Love…But I could never have enough!

This is an open letter to my son, Jack.

Dear Jack-

As far back as i can remember, I’ve wanted to be a daddy. I wanted a little boy to play catch with, to wrestle with, and to love with everything that I can.  I remember when your mommy told me that she was pregnant with you.  I had no idea it was actually going to happen and it looked like I was going to pull all of my hair out. Daddy may have even said a naughty word-but I asked for forgiveness shortly after

While you were in mommy’s belly, we were scared because the doctors said your heart had holes in it and your kidney was going away.  We wanted so badly to protect you, to hold you, and to comfort you so you knew everything could be ok.  We prayed hard for you lil buddy.  Everything has worked out well and now you are with us.  When you were born, it was the best day of my life.  I remember staying up late at night feeding you (although mommy did it way more) and you would give me a cute little smile while you enjoyed some of mommys milk. You have given me so much joy and I do not deserve to have you as my son. My love for you little buddy will be shared with you every single day and I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re not loved.

There may be times when you get in trouble that daddy has put you in a time out.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t love you…I just want you to learn that sometimes talking back to mommy & daddy isn’t ok. With every day, you become more and more respectful of your mom and me and I’m so proud to see you growing into such a beautiful young man. I still can’t believe that in just over one month, you are going to be two years old. I can’t wait to see you grow up and who you are going to be.

I want you to know, Jack, that the sky is unlimited. You are soooo smart and you catch onto things so quickly.  You can be whatever it is you want to be. President, aerospace technician, an electrician, baseball player, or spelling bee champion.  Whatever it is, fight to be the best you can be.  Work hard and you will never go wrong!

Before you were born, daddy wrote some words for you.  I’ve never shown anyone this but I read it to you when you were in mommys belly.  i want to share it with you now.

I love you Jack.

An Easy Love by daddy for Jack

I can’t hear you

but my heart feels you singing

I can’t touch you

But I can feel you surround me

I can’t see you

But I can hear your heart beating

I know you’re far away

But I have never felt closer

I can’t wait to be with you

To wrap my arms around you

Cause when you come

You bring me new life

Your simple touch

There’s nothing more divine

An easy love

But I could never have enough.

Time moves so slow

Anxiously waiting, anticipating

To see if this is real

To know it’s not make believe

How deep will this love grow

Will it be easy to make you mine

Cause when you come

You bring new life

Your simple touch

There’s nothing more divine

An Easy Love

But I could never have enough

I’ve never been more afraid

But I know we’ll be ok

Footprints in the sand

Walking hand in hand.

Cause when you come

You bring new life

Your simple touch

I’ll never understand

This easy love

but I will never have enough.

I’ll know my name as it’s called again…

I don’t know exactly what it is, I can’t describe it but I’ll give it a try. The type of man that I feel I am now that I am a dad of 1 (Jack) and another on the way…the change it brought about is something that I think only dad’s feel.  While at the same time, we are still the inappropriate, gassy, handsome men we were before kids…there’s something that clicks inside of us. I feel a sense of urgency when it comes to Jack.  I want to make sure he’s taken care of. I want to make sure he grows up a big, strong, chivalrous, and respectable young man.

While the wants and desires are there for him to be like that, it’s not always the easiest thing to put into action.  Being a dad is definitely the toughest thing I’ve ever done.  It’s frustrating, it’s tiring, but it’s also amazing. One thing I’ve learned with Jack’s new found independence is that I can now give him options because he’s beginning to understand the difference between right and wrong. I know that he will not always pick the right path, but if I lead him down the right path 95% of the time-hopefully he will see the pattern and continue it long into life.

A few things I wish I would have learned while younger: 1) How to save money and manage debt 2) The love of a woman is special-but men can ruin it with promiscuity 3) Finish what you start 4) Find what you love and go for it!

At times-because of my track record and the choices I made, I don’t feel as if I’m qualified to be a dad.  I don’t feel like I’m deserving of the love I get from my wife & son.  I feel like the Karma Police should come and take me away and send me to the Death Eaters. Because I only ever heard “I love you” from my grandfather/grandmother/mom, at times-i didn’t feel love. My mom loved me with all she had-and there’s absolutely nothing like a mothers love. But there is something about not feeling the love from your dad that stings. Because of this I’m still struggling with the fact that people do love me. I don’t understand the concept of God’s love. After all of the crap I put people through, I’m supposed to believe that my God loves like a hurricane. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel His love a lot. And honestly-at times I feel like I don’t love my family as much as I can because of this.

The stories we live aren’t always going to have happy endings. The climax of our stories can get ugly. What I’ve found is that while the stories may suck at times while you are in the middle of them, it’s how we react, it’s how we struggle, it’s how we resolve that makes a story worth living.  I know that our God will be there to let us feel love when we need it. We just have to be willing to accept it. I need to depend on my Maker’s Hand.

I’m in the middle of my story and things are beginning to work out for us. Another baby is on the way, we are working on a lot of our debt, I am in the running for a job that will let me use my talents the best way possible, and I’m working on being the dad that my son deserves.  I’m going to love him, discipline him, kiss him and love on him with all that I am.  I’m on my way to knowing my name as it’s called again.

Mumford & Sons-The Cave

It’s empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you’ve left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I’ll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker’s hand

So make your siren’s call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

On the other side of the story….

On July 15th, myself, Jenny, and our good friends Tyler & Amber Artz head towards Rocky Mountain National Park in their swagger wagon filled with supplies and delicious meals. We wanted to experience life in it’s purest form…we wanted to find a story worth telling.  We wanted to live this story out.  Here is our story.

We made it all the way up to treeline when we thought it was a good stopping point for lunch.  We enjoyed sandwiches off the trail and at that point we decided to part ways.  It was exciting to continue on, but to not have my wife beside me in one of my greatest journeys was sad.  I’m happy that she and Amber enjoyed Root Beer floats in Estes.

Tyler and I made it all the way to the top of Flattop at roughly 1pm.  We made pretty good time even with stopping for a half hour for lunch.  The views at the top were breathtaking.  Jack was sick so took advantage of the limited cell reception to call and see how he was doing, (maybe even sneak in a tweet.) The continental divide was beautiful. Mountains as far as the eye can see.  This hike, in itself, would have been a great feat.  Tyler & I decided however, that it wasn’t enough!  Time to press onto Andrews Glacier!

This is where things get interesting.  I’m slowly running out of water.  I also dont know if it was the altitude or the fact I only ate half a sandwich at lunch…but my stomach was not in a good way.  It felt as if I needed to call up dinosaurs constantly.  We decided to forgo the summit of Hallet peak to get to Andrews faster.  On the divide however, there are no clearly marked trails.  We weren’t exactly sure where the glacier was or even which mountain was which at that point.  We decided that we were probably going to have to climb up a bit in order to see where we were going.  We passed Otis peak and thankfully enough we didn’t have to summit it, the glacier was actually at a lower elevation.  After walking over what felt like the biggest stone field ever created, we finally make it to the top of the glacier. It was magnificent. But the one thing it also was that I didn’t think it would be…SCARY!  The thing was much much bigger than it is in pictures. Tyler and I just simply stood there in awe for a few minutes….maybe it was because we both soiled our shorts…but eventually we began to move down.

We had decided to forgo the long way to the bottom for the short way down to the edge of the glacier and then walk down the sides.  This in retrospect was probably not the best idea.  The grade was a lot steeper than the 20% had we gone the long way.  This lead to a fun, uncontrollable slide.  Now I dont know how fast or for how long I slid, but what I can tell you is that I was genuinely scared. Not being able to stop, 200 feet from my destination with a nice bed of rocks waiting for me wasn’t the warmest feeling in my heart.  I was able to stop eventually, thanks to Tyler, but that was enough of a scare that I decided to take my time and crab walk down the rest.

We finally made it to the bottom and enjoyed the scenery and thanks to Tyler’s water filter-we even enjoyed some ice cold Andrews Tarn water in our jugs.  Little did we know what lied ahead.

BOULDERS!! FREAKING RIDICULOUS BOULDERS! Nowhere in the brochure did it say anything about the ridiculous boulder trail that we had to take.  We did not see one piece of solid ground from the bottom of the glacier until we made it to tree line.  For a good hour, we battled finding our way down this crazy steep boulder field.  While crab walking the glacier was tiring…to battle those boulders began to break my spirits a bit.  It was beautiful and at times fun acting like a caveman, I was beginning to break down.

We finally get to treeline and I was excited for the relief the shade of the trees would provide until our next culprit arrived-MOSQUITOS!  We couldn’t stop for rest but for a few seconds because we would get eaten alive. We pressed on.  We thought we only had roughly 3-4 miles back to a ride back to camp and cold drinks…that turned into 5-6 miles. Along the trail back, we saw a beautiful waterfall.  Honestly it could have been Eva Mendez in a bikini serving me cold beer and with being as exhausted as I was, I wouldn’t have cared. (well..maybe)

Around 7:30pm, we finally cross the finish line.  Our awesome wives were waiting for us with Red Gatorade.  It was the best feeling ever!  I was a hurting unit…but it felt good to finish.

Looking back almost a month out now, I can easily say it was the most physically tough thing I have ever done.  13 miles, 3500 feet increase in elevation, sliding down a glacier and battling a boulder field.  During the 11 hour hike, I had experienced many things:  Pain, joy, happiness, fear, fatigue, patience, and peace.

This story is one that will forever live in my heart.  This story, because of the added adventure, makes it a great one to tell.  This is definitely the best story (outside of my family stuff) that I have lived.  Because of this, if I died today could definitely say that I lived!!!  We lived. We truly lived.

A Midyear update on my New Years Goals

Since the year is half over, I thought I would follow suit of Tyler Artz and post an update of the goals I set out for in 2010.  Overall-I think I’m doing a pretty good job of doing what I set out to do.  There are some that I haven’t touched…but I think I’m on track for a lot of them.

1. lose 40 pounds to get back to high school weight I’m steadily sitting at about 238.  But to be fair I haven’t been exercising or trying to drop the weight…maybe this is the week I get back on the horse.

2. Play with my son more This has been much easier than expected.  He’s so much fun to play with now as he’s more interactive.  this is maybe my favorite

3. Enjoy the time I have with my wife and make the quiet time we do have together memorable We have been making an attempt to do more things together but I definitely need to improve on this

4. Watch less TV haha oh boy…We did drop our digital cable…but now I’m watching more junk. Football & the fall season coming up wont’ help this

5. Rely less on facebook when contacting friends This one is difficult because a lot of friends I have are far away and this honestly is the most convenient way to reach them.  Sad…but true.

6. Let go of meaningless grudges I have contacted a few friends this year and have made amends.  There are a couple now that I need to work on…but it’s much easier said than done.

7. Begin the TeamMates mentoring program I have a teammate!! His name is Cisco and he is the cooleset kid around!

8. 20 mile bike ride to raise money & awareness for diabetes TACKLED IT!

9. Go hiking in the mountains at least once TACKLED IT 13 MILES-1 GLACIER-2 VERY TIRED BOYS

10. go camping & fishing at least 2-3 times We did camp but did not fish.

11. listen to more music I have definitely listened to more music this year.  Mumford & Sons and the new Gaslight Anthem have helped.

12.  build up our savings account  Most of our money goes to bills so this has been extremely difficult.

13. quit drinking pop  I honestly tried….time out….have to take a sip of mountain dew.

14. 1-2 specialty coffee’s/week This I am very proud of-I have completely dropped all speciality coffee’s!  No mochas, latte’s…nothing!  Saving money and my cholesterol!

15. spend less money on eating out/junk foods  We are doing pretty good here….still lots of improving to do.

16. Find a way to make sure the homeless in downtown lincoln have access to food/warm beverages now that the Matt Talbot Kitchen has left the downtown area I don’t know if this one is possible now….the food cart i thought was available is no longer now this is going to be a very expensive undertaking if we decide to go this route.

17. Go to at least one concert No luck yet…but still lots of time left

18. Go to at least one red sox baseball game We had tickets but completely forgot about my sister’s confirmation so we had to sell them.  They aren’t coming close to Nebraska again so this one is probably out.

19. work out more I’ve done a pretty good job of biking, walking and just getting out.  Thinking about getting the Y membership going again here soon so I can ride to work everyday and shower downtown.

20. Read the bible in a year Sorry Jesus….I tried.

21. Pray more I would say I have been praying more….but if you hadn’t eaten an apple in a year and just had one, you can’t claim to be healthy. Same thing applies here.

22. Read more I have been reading a little more.  I read “Churched” by Matthew Paul Turner in a week and now am working on “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan

23. Blog more I blog once or twice a month but this could be improved

24. Go to at least one of my sister’s events I did make it to my sister’s confirmation but would like to see more of her events.

25. learn how to leave work at work This has been easier than I thought….this new job makes it very easy to do.

This is my list….still a lot of hard work left…but a good first half!

Where you invest your love, You invest your life

It’s not often that a book inspires me to actually live out the things that it talks about.  As weird as this sounds, before “To Own a Dragon”, Harry Potter was my favorite book.  I grew up without my bio dad around so when I discovered Donald Miller-it was like Christmas Day-finding someone else that experienced a lot of the same things I did.

Then I had a friend who lent me the Advanced Readers copy of “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years”.  This book opened my eyes to the boring story I was living…I have a fantastic family but I had a job that was life draining.  Because of “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years”, I’ve already begun to live a better story.  Since reading the book I quit my job and found one that I love, I got into biking and raised over $150 for diabetes research and rode 22 miles in the Tour de Cure, I became a mentor and just last week myself, my wife and two great friends hiked 13 miles in Rocky Mountain National Park-hitting 3 peaks and sliding, yes-SLIDING, down Andrews Glacier!  It was one of the coolest things I have ever done and because of the book, I don’t know if I would have ever done it.

Since our last adventure, I’ve been thinking about the next story I could tell.  Sure there’s weight loss and the struggle to get there, but I need adventure.  I need something to get me to the weight loss…I need something fun.  In Nebraska, the adventures can be limited.  I struggle with what to do…what to conquer.

That’s where I feel that this seminar could come in handy.  You can see Donald Miller explain it all here

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.

The type of story I want to tell isn’t just about the adventures I tried to tackle, but I want the stories I tell to show the type of person that I think I am. As I lay here, listening to Mumford & Sons-Awake My Soul, I hear the lyrics, “In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die, the way you invest your love, you invest your life.” Our stories aren’t here one minute and gone the next, they live within us (or at least they should). I want a core change-I want the stories to continue to get better as they go!

I have many dreams, many adventures that I would love to tackle…I want to finish school to show my children that no matter what, finish what you start. I want to open a BBQ shop because well…I love BBQ and I think I could provide service that people would be attracted to. I want to lose weight and get healthy because I want to see my children graduate and hold my grandkids when I’m wrinkly and smelling of Metamucil.

One thing that Donald Miller got me thinking about and I try not to, is my bio dad. I know where he lives… I know his phone number. I don’t know if I want to call. But I also don’t know if it will make my life better if I do. Could this be the next story I tell…I don’t know. I want the truth, I want closure. I want to live a better life…I want a great story to tell. Getting past truly “meeting” him may be a part of this.

My story will go on…I am blessed beyond belief with a great wife, a healthy son and another child on the way. I now have a great job and fantastic friends. There are still gaps in my life, stories that have been left untold. I would love to go to this conference to help find a way to fill those gaps. I’m excited to see how my next story can “Awake my Soul.”

Mumford & Sons-Awake My Soul

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don’t know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we’ll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I’ll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker