After the storm

Maestas. It’s a funny word to try to say. It’s a word that gets butchered by telemarketers, new coworkers, and even some long time friends. The loose spanish translation of Maestas means “the teacher.” That one word, isn’t just a word to me. It’s a name. It’s my name. It’s a name handed down to me by a man. My grandfather, my teacher. Almost three weeks ago, the man who gave me my name lost his life.

Even typing those words make my eyes swell with tears. Tears of sadness that I lost my hero and my mentor. Tears of joy that his suffering is no longer and he is now with his God and his bride. But mostly tears of sadness. Gramps was more than a grandfather to me. One of my first memories in life is sitting at the Willow Island lake just outside of Cozad, fishing. I remember getting the line stuck in the tree behind me. He showed me patience. I remember the first time he saw my oldest son who bears his name, Jack Bonifacio. That day, he showed me joy. I remember when my grandmother had cancer, how he was always doing what he could to make her comfortable. He showed me faithfulness. I remember the last time I saw him. As I went to get in my car, he walked up and cornered me against my car and laid his head upon my shoulder and we just stood silent in each others arms. He showed me love.

1 Cornithians 13:13 But the greatest of these is love.

The pain is still fresh. Each day I wake up with him on my mind. Thinking about the empty table, the empty coffee pot. I think about his old dirty phone, sitting on the table with nobody to answer it. I think about two empty beds in that house. I know that thinking about those things do me no good and gramps wouldn’t enjoy my heart aching as much as it is. I can’t stop the pain. This is something that will fade with time. My mind knows how sorrow and mourning works. I know that in time, the pain will dull and the memories will slowly fade. The clear way I can now hear his voice in my head will become fuzzy. Before too long I will live each day with subtle reminders of his presence in my life. The memories will then bring me joy and comfort. When I hear my son yell YO really loud, I will laugh and enjoy thinking about how gramps and Jack would talk to each other. But now, my heart aches. I want it to ache. I’m not ready for the fuzzy memories. I want to keep him as close to me as I can.

My grandfather was a lot of things. He was handy, he was honest, he was a stubborn ass, he was handsome, he was faithful. But most importantly, he was loving. I write this now, knowing with all of my heart, that he loved me unconditionally. He loved me like a son. I loved him like a father. I love my stepfather dearly, he is a wonderful man, but my grandfather is my bloodline and my legacy. To be raised by him in my early years in the home that he built with his own two hands, makes me proud that he often thought of me as the son that he never had.

With the end of each phone call came a repeated series of phrases that still make me laugh and appreciate him to this day. “I love you Nicholas, so much. Give my love to Jenny and Jack and…what’s his name? Right..Miles Cody! God bless you, God be with you every day. I pray you never get sick. Take care of your boys and Jenny. I love you Nicholas.” That would be repeated at least 3-4 times before we would finally get off of the phone. At the time, I thought it was silly…it kind of is. But now I understand why he did it. He never wanted me to feel unloved. He wanted to make sure that with all he had, he knew that in my best and worst of times that there was 1 man who loved me unconditionally. Unconditional love. That’s who he was. Love.

The week of his funeral, it all is a blur. I don’t recall a whole lot from the week but there are two memories that will last with me a lifetime.

1) The day of the funeral, I asked Jack if he remembers gramps. Without prompt or delay, Jack said “Gramps is happy.” Children are smart.

2) I was honored to be able to help carry him to his final resting place. Feeling the weight of him tightly on my hand makes me proud.

Maestas. To many people, it’s just a name. To me…it’s an honor to carry the name. I will do all that I can to make sure that when people hear the word Maestas, they think of honor, faithfulness, and love.

I dedicate my life to making you proud of me. To bring pride to the Maestas name. To raise my boys to be like you. I’ll never forget you gramps. Never. You are who made me who I am. You made me a man. I’m proud of you, as I know that you are proud of me. Now go, rest in peace muchacho.

God bless you. God be with you. Always. Give my love to grandma.  I love you, Bonifacio.

God bless you. God be with you. Always. Give my love to grandma.  I love you, Bonifacio.

God bless you. God be with you. Always. Give my love to grandma.  I love you, Bonifacio.

God bless you. God be with you. Always. Give my love to grandma.  I love you, Bonifacio.

Yo.

Lay down your burden-find rest for your soul…

What a year 2011 was. Looking back on the year, I maybe took on a bit more than I could chew. Lets take a second to recap.

1) January 26th-our beautiful Miles was born. What a blessing he has been to our family. Plus he makes me look a lot better in the fact that I have now created two handsome gentlemen. Must be in the genes!

2) We bought a house. No, seriously. We signed away all of our money for the next 30 years and provided shelter. We became commuters, small town people. People who attend small high school basketball games and bake cakes for raffles.

3) We bought a car. The van that my parents blessed us with was nice and so helpful, but I wanted something that was mine. Something that has my name on it. I wanted to provide a safe and comfortable commute for my wife and children. It’s a nice car, but now that I see the average person that drives a similar car-I feel old.

4) I went back to school. I successfully passed two spanish courses. That’s two steps closer to graduation. I wish this monkey was off my back, but due to scheduling, it looks like mr. monkey will be riding me for a while longer. (that’s what she said.)

5) Jenny went back to work. She accepted a job working 15-20 hours at Milkworks. It’s a great organization that provides help to moms. And the best part of her job, all of our income is coming from non-profits. That’s a great feeling.

I’ll spare you the rest of the boring stuff, but those four things take a lot of energy. Way too much in fact. I wore myself extremely thin. Even now that things are slowing down, my gears are still running at full speed. We are potty training Jack for the second time. While I’m not doing most of it because I’m at work from 8-5, I still take on a lot of it on the weekend while Jenny is at work. Miles is also cutting teeth and on the verge of walking. It’s a full household. It’s a busy household.

My problem is that no matter how much I bitch about being tired and worn down, I crave things to do. My body doesn’t rest unless it’s occupied. Like now, instead of sitting at the coffee house and listening to music, I’m spewing words that in the grand scheme of things, don’t matter all that much. Now I am drinking coffee and listening to music, but I’m editing, rewriting, twisting my brain over whether or not this blog is worth posting. I can’t relax. Maybe it’s the coffee.

I am so thankful for the five things I posted above. We were blessed last year. I hope the blessings continue this year. I’d be ok with a boring year. Maybe a family vacation. Maybe a vacation with just my wife. Maybe no vacation at all. But I most of all I pray for a year that keeps us healthy and comfortable. No matter how tired I get, I want to devote more time playing, showing my boys how to be boys. Teaching them how to get dirty, to scrape their knees and elbows by rough housing. I want to love my wife, and not in the corny Hallmark ways, but in a way that at the end of the day, she feels as if she is overflowing.

Here is my short list of goals for 2012.

1) Lose 40 pounds. I would love to get in shape so I’m not such a couch dad. I want to be active, to have energy to throw my boys around. I can’t do that if I’m a blob of shitty mess.

2)Climb a 14′er. 2 years ago, our good friends Tyler and Amber as well as my wife and I hiked mountains and slid down glaciers. I’d like the feeling of accomplishment again. It’s not restful, but it’s something I’ve always wanted to do.

3) Save money. 2011 was maybe the most stressful financial year for us. We didn’t do ourselves any favors. Now that we know where our money will go, it will be easier to save some.

4) Learn how to do yardwork.

5) Love. 2011 was a year that I didn’t do enough to build relationships. I need to learn to forgive, to move on and to love. Friendships for married couples seem to be short on the supply side. I want more friends. I want more guy time, I want Jenny to have more girl time. But none of that will happen unless we love our neighbor. Literally.

If you’ve hung on this long, thank you. I’ve had a lot of stress on my chest lately and it feels good to purge. I pray that 2012 is a year that blesses each of you abundantly. And if you feel so inclined, join us for coffee. Have dinner with us. Bring your kids over and have a sleep over. In 2012 and beyond, my door is open to you. Please come in.

This is your life…

I’m 30…….Now what?

Those are the words that have been floating through my head for the last 24 hours.  I always looked at 30 years old as this mystical number that when I reached it, I’d be almost Einsteinesque. I’d be this brilliant, smart, and very respectable old man.  That’s where the problem lies.

I’m unfortunately none of the things that I mentioned above.  In fact, I currently have no idea who I am.  Is this a mid-life crisis?  I don’t think so. But I also don’t think I have defined myself as a person, nor have I accomplished any career goals that the 18 year old Nick thought I was going to have accomplished.

It all comes down to identity. Who am I?

Here’s what I have so far:

1) I am the father of two handsome, fiery redheaded boys.

2) I am the husband to the prettiest girl this side of the International Date Line

3) I am addicted to football/baseball/music/Call of Duty (Modern Warfare 3 in 2 weeks!!)

4) I am a Technical Support Rep at the University of Nebraska Foundation

That’s about it.  Is that enough?  It should be.  I shouldn’t be so selfish with my life. I have a great life. But I ache for more.  I want to be a great example to my boys.  I want to be a great handyman. I want to be rich and I want to be in better shape.  I want more friends (the reality after having children is that the number of friends has shrunk. Sad, but true. The friends we do have that want to hang with us are amazing and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, but more friends would be nice too.) That’s not all I want to be…but that’s a good start.

But maybe the thing I want most from anything is respect.

I feel that since I was a kid was that I was always the funny guy.  I would always be able to crack jokes and if people needed a good laugh, they’d know where to go.  But I traded that characteristic for the ability to be taken seriously, not only in my personal life but also in my career.  I’ve hit the time now where I’d trade being the funny guy to the guy who would like to be taken a little more seriously.

How do I do that? How do I slowly peel a few layers of the stereotype that I have created for myself and turn that into respect?

I really wish I knew the answer to those questions.  I want to make this clear.  I don’t want to change who I am. I want my core to always be the person I am now.

I guess all I really want is a vision, a clear path and I want to get walking in that direction.

This is my life. I’m very happy with it, but am I who I want to be?

Are you the person you thought you’d be at 18?

Switchfoot-This is your life

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
Don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you’ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes

This is your life are you who you want to be
This is your life are you who you want to be

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

And you had everything to lose

You are not alone in this.

Yo! Muchacho!

That’s how every phone conversation with my grandfather “gramps” has started for the last 15 years. It warms my heart when he picks up the phone (after always letting it go to the answering machine first) and I hear the biggest, loudest “YO!” every single time I call.

It won’t be too long now before the answering machine won’t click over to his voice. He’s struggling with life. He’s lived a very long and hard 85 years and I think he’s ready to close the door and head home to his God and his bride. His years show on his face, his hands, and lately, his mind.

It makes me sad seeing the man who used to bounce me on his knee now struggle to hold his 9 month old great grandson. But I won’t dwell on his physical being because I know that on the inside, he is still a strong, proud man. That while his physical body may be deteriorating, his soul and his spirit will always be  standing strong up top of a mountain with nothing but the troubles he defeated well below him.

That’s the gramps I will always remember. His legacy will be one that will make his great grandsons proud. My oldest, Jack, bears his name “Bonifacio.” I will never forget telling gramps that we used his name in Jack’s name. His smile was one I will always cherish. Many people in school may not understand Jack’s middle name, but when he’s old enough to understand-he will be proud.

Gramps is more than a grandfather to me. He’s one of two men in my life who have always been there, along with  my step-dad. He filled a large, father shaped hole, when my father left. I grew up in the house he built with his own hands for the first five years of my life. He took me fishing, sang Johnny Cash songs to me, and made me pancakes and eggs with a big coke, placed it all on a tv tray in front of the tv so I could watch wrestling-all in the name of getting me to go to church.

I am dreading the phone call. I am hoping that when he goes, he goes peacefully in his sleep with no pain. No suffering. I am sad knowing that either my mom or my aunt will walk in and find him after he has gone to be with the Lord. My heart breaks knowing this. My heart also feels guilt not being there with him.  Spending two days in Cozad shouldn’t be enough…it wasn’t enough. But my life, my family, my job, my responsibilities need me to be in Lincoln.

I hate that the last two times I’ve left Cozad, I’ve left with my eyes filled with tears not knowing if that was the last time we’d do our secret handshake. I feel guilty because I don’t want to say goodbye to him again. It hurts too much. But I hope that in what is likely the sunset of his life, he feels loved-that he’s leaving this earth to go over his hill and see, what he will find there, with grace in his heart and flowers in her hair.

My gramps is more than a grandfather-he’s my hero. He’s who I want to be.

Mi amigo, mi muchacho.

Yo!

Mumford and Sons – Timshel

Cold is the water
It freezes your already cold mind
Already cold, cold mind
And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we’ll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we’ll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And I will tell the night
Whisper, “Lose your sight”
But I can’t move the mountains for you

He is the Wonder in Their Eyes

For an anniversary/fathers day gift, my beautiful wife regifted the gift I gave her for Mothers Day.  The opportunity to tell a story and have that story portrayed beautifully by the very talented Emily Nix over at Kiss + Tell Me.

The story of my biological father not being in my life is one that will always have left it’s footprint on me. I will always carry the what if’s, the why’s and the WTF’s in my heart…but this story makes me feel like I can do anything. This story makes me feel like I am an excellent father. While I had a stepdad-and he is an excellent man-there was always something missing. This story makes that hole feel a little less empty today.

Thank you Emily for putting together a beautiful story!

Thank you Jenny for providing me with this gift.  You are the perfect mother to my boys and we are so very lucky to have you!

Enjoy the story!

He is the Wonder in Their Eyes
For the Maestas Family

Since they began dating, she knew he wanted to be a father. From the moment they were married, he made it clear how much he desired a family to lead, to guide, to protect and to provide for.

To make up for the father he did not have.

And when they found out they would be parents of a little boy, he cried. He cried tears of fear, of excitement and of opportunity.  Fear, because he had no foundation from which to model fatherhood, and excitement for the chance to be the rock that his son will always have.

To be the man who would never leave.

And in the years since the birth of their first son, and now as the father of two boys, he blesses and leads his sons every day without even realizing it.

His every action echoes his desire to provide for the family he loves. She is in awe of his dedication to bettering their lives. He finishes classwork during his lunch hour, each day one step closer to earning his degree, and an example to his sons to never, ever give up and to honor their commitments.

When he comes home from work and a commute, without a moment’s hesitation he has changed clothes and is with his boys. She falls more in love with him each day as she watches him interact with their sons. She has seen so many families where the father took a back seat role to his wife in raising their family, and her heart bursts to see that this involvement-this passion- to be a dad is all he wants to do and be.

She watches him teach and model all of the things little boys are. He shows them how to cut down trees and throw rocks and wrestle on the floor. To be loud, to be dirty, to be boys- these are all things she can’t show them. But he does, and she is blessed to witness her boys being raised by a man.

A man who is quick to love, forgive and provide an example to not only tell, but show, how to do something. It makes her proud to know he is a disciplinarian to the boys, but also an example of tenderness. She sees his respect for others- no matter who they are-  and is confident in the gentlemen her sons will become because of his teaching. The sons he raises will open doors, mind their manners, say yes sir and ma’am.  And, because they are his sons, they will share his love of baseball.

And they will grow up knowing his heart and compassion for people, his innate sense to see when people are hurting and left out, and his ability put someone at ease. She prays that her boys will follow in his example, and in some ways she sees it happening. Already, she knows she is in trouble, as their oldest son already has his sense of humor and sense of joy in most any situation.

To her, knowing her boys are going to grow up with his instruction is the best expression of love that they can have and that he can show her. She is eager to see their boys grow to become who God has created them to be and to watch them discover the confidence to be able to use their callings in their lives.

She is excited for all of the moments and memories their family is going to make- trips to the mountains, fishing, to the ballpark, camping in the backyard- and to see the wonder in their eyes as they experience something new. She falls more deeply in love with him each day as she sees him teaching them to recognize that wonder, and when she looks at her sons, she knows their eyes sparkle just as his do.

And, just as he comes home each day to the learn the joy of living that his sons are experiencing, she wants him to be affirmed that each new day and new experience is a promise that he is not defined by his past, but creating a legacy for his sons in the present.

He does not need to worry about solving a formula or reading a book to become a perfect dad.

Because he is showing them through all he does that he can be, and he will be, and he is their
perfect dad.

to my love…

I look back.

I picture this beautiful woman with soft, milky white skin. Beautiful brown eyes and long curly brown hair. I think about the night we met. The hours we spent talking on the phone. The strawberry shortcake shirts that drove me crazy, yet you pulled it off. I think about missing her dearly when she was gone and I think about the  anticipation I felt when she’d return. I remember her smell…I remember how passionately she would stare into my eyes. I remember laying on the hood of my car, sharing a biggie frosty and enjoying Death Cab for Cutie until the stars were as bright as they could get that night.

I think about our first date at a terrible “fancy” restaurant that was made up with an ice cream cake from DQ and making out during the 2nd season of Lost. I laugh when I think about coming inches away from naming our first born Wily Mo Maestas. I remember joking about a driving trip to the east coast and then the next thing we are in a car driving east.  I remember getting tattoos the night before we drove 25 hours to Boston. What were we thinking?

I remember dancing in the Boston Common with a thousand people watching us but not caring. I miss sitting on the edge of the earth, our feet dangling over the dock and dead jellyfish floating under our feet. I dream about going back to Boston with you.

Our wedding day…a beautiful day with our friends and family gathered around us. Beautiful music, weather, and the most beautiful woman on the world. I am the luckiest man on the face of the earth. And in only a way that we operate, a beautiful day ends with puking and traveling miserably to a terrible honeymoon cruise! Somehow even sick you still glowed of love, beauty and I never thought I could love you more

until….

 

You come home with a pregnancy test that was broken but contained a hidden positive message. You carried my baby…my first born son. I loved watching you grow not only physically, but maturing into a magnificent mother. I thank God everyday for you and for Him giving me the best mom for my children.

I remember the look on your face when you saw Jack for the first time…the tears streaming down your face and the joy beaming from your eyes. You have never been more beautiful.

2.5 years later, here we are….back at square one. Tired, beaten down, but never happier. You have made our family more complete with our beautiful, handsome Miles. You are a different person than the day I met you.  I didn’t know it…but you found a way to improve perfection. July 26th, 2006, the day I proposed to you, I thought you were perfect.  You were. You still are…but it’s a different kind of perfect.  You find new ways to let me fall in love with you. I am a changed person because of you…I am a better man because of you.

I love you Norm Petersen. Thank you for loving me.

….and now we are four

i can’t believe that today is finally here.  the day that our family jumps from three to four.  there are so many emotions that are burning thru my skull right now and i can’t wait for him to finally get here.  I remember with jack, holding him for the first time-there were so many unknowns and i feel like i let the uncertainty take over my heart and didn’t allow me to fully embrace the moment.   now i know what to expect, i know what will happen and now that jack’s little brother is a mere 3.5 hours away from gracing us with his presence, i won’t make the mistake of letting the uncertainty keep me from enjoying the moment and loving both of my sons with every single inch of my heart.

as i’m sitting here in this dark room, my mom, phil, & sister sleeping 15 feet from me, drinking coffee and enjoying a few last minutes of the maestas party of 3, i’m a bit of an emotional mess.  my heart is so anxious to be able to love on miles but at the same time, a part of me feels like i’m cheating on jack.  i know that is not the case but i’m so in love with that little boy and now that love will be shared and i feel a bit guilty.

i know that’s not the case and i pray everyday that jack feels loved more when miles comes than he ever did before.  i can’t wait to take him to the mall to ride the ponies and get frozen yogurt with him. i can’t wait to get a big sloppy wet kiss when i come back home for the first time. i can’t wait to hear him say “car car car car car” over again when he’s playing with his favorite Lightning McQueen.  I can’t wait for him to see miles for the first time, how curious he will be.  one thing i know for sure is that miles will feel so much love from jack.  jack is maybe the most affectionate little boy i have ever known, so willing to hug & kiss and it melts my heart. he will be a fantastic big brother and for that, i’m proud.

i’m proud that i will have the opportunity to raise two boys and show them how to be men. how to play, how to be responsible, how to work hard but play hard, how to love a woman the right way, and show them the way to the Father.

it’s about time to pack the car and leave this place, Maestas party of 3 and come back a more complete family than we left.

this day will share with Nov 26th, 2008 as the best day of my life. my little buddy miles-you and your big brother make me a better man.  i can’t wait to meet you!