Lay down your burden-find rest for your soul…

What a year 2011 was. Looking back on the year, I maybe took on a bit more than I could chew. Lets take a second to recap.

1) January 26th-our beautiful Miles was born. What a blessing he has been to our family. Plus he makes me look a lot better in the fact that I have now created two handsome gentlemen. Must be in the genes!

2) We bought a house. No, seriously. We signed away all of our money for the next 30 years and provided shelter. We became commuters, small town people. People who attend small high school basketball games and bake cakes for raffles.

3) We bought a car. The van that my parents blessed us with was nice and so helpful, but I wanted something that was mine. Something that has my name on it. I wanted to provide a safe and comfortable commute for my wife and children. It’s a nice car, but now that I see the average person that drives a similar car-I feel old.

4) I went back to school. I successfully passed two spanish courses. That’s two steps closer to graduation. I wish this monkey was off my back, but due to scheduling, it looks like mr. monkey will be riding me for a while longer. (that’s what she said.)

5) Jenny went back to work. She accepted a job working 15-20 hours at Milkworks. It’s a great organization that provides help to moms. And the best part of her job, all of our income is coming from non-profits. That’s a great feeling.

I’ll spare you the rest of the boring stuff, but those four things take a lot of energy. Way too much in fact. I wore myself extremely thin. Even now that things are slowing down, my gears are still running at full speed. We are potty training Jack for the second time. While I’m not doing most of it because I’m at work from 8-5, I still take on a lot of it on the weekend while Jenny is at work. Miles is also cutting teeth and on the verge of walking. It’s a full household. It’s a busy household.

My problem is that no matter how much I bitch about being tired and worn down, I crave things to do. My body doesn’t rest unless it’s occupied. Like now, instead of sitting at the coffee house and listening to music, I’m spewing words that in the grand scheme of things, don’t matter all that much. Now I am drinking coffee and listening to music, but I’m editing, rewriting, twisting my brain over whether or not this blog is worth posting. I can’t relax. Maybe it’s the coffee.

I am so thankful for the five things I posted above. We were blessed last year. I hope the blessings continue this year. I’d be ok with a boring year. Maybe a family vacation. Maybe a vacation with just my wife. Maybe no vacation at all. But I most of all I pray for a year that keeps us healthy and comfortable. No matter how tired I get, I want to devote more time playing, showing my boys how to be boys. Teaching them how to get dirty, to scrape their knees and elbows by rough housing. I want to love my wife, and not in the corny Hallmark ways, but in a way that at the end of the day, she feels as if she is overflowing.

Here is my short list of goals for 2012.

1) Lose 40 pounds. I would love to get in shape so I’m not such a couch dad. I want to be active, to have energy to throw my boys around. I can’t do that if I’m a blob of shitty mess.

2)Climb a 14′er. 2 years ago, our good friends Tyler and Amber as well as my wife and I hiked mountains and slid down glaciers. I’d like the feeling of accomplishment again. It’s not restful, but it’s something I’ve always wanted to do.

3) Save money. 2011 was maybe the most stressful financial year for us. We didn’t do ourselves any favors. Now that we know where our money will go, it will be easier to save some.

4) Learn how to do yardwork.

5) Love. 2011 was a year that I didn’t do enough to build relationships. I need to learn to forgive, to move on and to love. Friendships for married couples seem to be short on the supply side. I want more friends. I want more guy time, I want Jenny to have more girl time. But none of that will happen unless we love our neighbor. Literally.

If you’ve hung on this long, thank you. I’ve had a lot of stress on my chest lately and it feels good to purge. I pray that 2012 is a year that blesses each of you abundantly. And if you feel so inclined, join us for coffee. Have dinner with us. Bring your kids over and have a sleep over. In 2012 and beyond, my door is open to you. Please come in.

This is your life…

I’m 30…….Now what?

Those are the words that have been floating through my head for the last 24 hours.  I always looked at 30 years old as this mystical number that when I reached it, I’d be almost Einsteinesque. I’d be this brilliant, smart, and very respectable old man.  That’s where the problem lies.

I’m unfortunately none of the things that I mentioned above.  In fact, I currently have no idea who I am.  Is this a mid-life crisis?  I don’t think so. But I also don’t think I have defined myself as a person, nor have I accomplished any career goals that the 18 year old Nick thought I was going to have accomplished.

It all comes down to identity. Who am I?

Here’s what I have so far:

1) I am the father of two handsome, fiery redheaded boys.

2) I am the husband to the prettiest girl this side of the International Date Line

3) I am addicted to football/baseball/music/Call of Duty (Modern Warfare 3 in 2 weeks!!)

4) I am a Technical Support Rep at the University of Nebraska Foundation

That’s about it.  Is that enough?  It should be.  I shouldn’t be so selfish with my life. I have a great life. But I ache for more.  I want to be a great example to my boys.  I want to be a great handyman. I want to be rich and I want to be in better shape.  I want more friends (the reality after having children is that the number of friends has shrunk. Sad, but true. The friends we do have that want to hang with us are amazing and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, but more friends would be nice too.) That’s not all I want to be…but that’s a good start.

But maybe the thing I want most from anything is respect.

I feel that since I was a kid was that I was always the funny guy.  I would always be able to crack jokes and if people needed a good laugh, they’d know where to go.  But I traded that characteristic for the ability to be taken seriously, not only in my personal life but also in my career.  I’ve hit the time now where I’d trade being the funny guy to the guy who would like to be taken a little more seriously.

How do I do that? How do I slowly peel a few layers of the stereotype that I have created for myself and turn that into respect?

I really wish I knew the answer to those questions.  I want to make this clear.  I don’t want to change who I am. I want my core to always be the person I am now.

I guess all I really want is a vision, a clear path and I want to get walking in that direction.

This is my life. I’m very happy with it, but am I who I want to be?

Are you the person you thought you’d be at 18?

Switchfoot-This is your life

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
Don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you’ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes

This is your life are you who you want to be
This is your life are you who you want to be

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

And you had everything to lose

You are not alone in this.

Yo! Muchacho!

That’s how every phone conversation with my grandfather “gramps” has started for the last 15 years. It warms my heart when he picks up the phone (after always letting it go to the answering machine first) and I hear the biggest, loudest “YO!” every single time I call.

It won’t be too long now before the answering machine won’t click over to his voice. He’s struggling with life. He’s lived a very long and hard 85 years and I think he’s ready to close the door and head home to his God and his bride. His years show on his face, his hands, and lately, his mind.

It makes me sad seeing the man who used to bounce me on his knee now struggle to hold his 9 month old great grandson. But I won’t dwell on his physical being because I know that on the inside, he is still a strong, proud man. That while his physical body may be deteriorating, his soul and his spirit will always be  standing strong up top of a mountain with nothing but the troubles he defeated well below him.

That’s the gramps I will always remember. His legacy will be one that will make his great grandsons proud. My oldest, Jack, bears his name “Bonifacio.” I will never forget telling gramps that we used his name in Jack’s name. His smile was one I will always cherish. Many people in school may not understand Jack’s middle name, but when he’s old enough to understand-he will be proud.

Gramps is more than a grandfather to me. He’s one of two men in my life who have always been there, along with  my step-dad. He filled a large, father shaped hole, when my father left. I grew up in the house he built with his own hands for the first five years of my life. He took me fishing, sang Johnny Cash songs to me, and made me pancakes and eggs with a big coke, placed it all on a tv tray in front of the tv so I could watch wrestling-all in the name of getting me to go to church.

I am dreading the phone call. I am hoping that when he goes, he goes peacefully in his sleep with no pain. No suffering. I am sad knowing that either my mom or my aunt will walk in and find him after he has gone to be with the Lord. My heart breaks knowing this. My heart also feels guilt not being there with him.  Spending two days in Cozad shouldn’t be enough…it wasn’t enough. But my life, my family, my job, my responsibilities need me to be in Lincoln.

I hate that the last two times I’ve left Cozad, I’ve left with my eyes filled with tears not knowing if that was the last time we’d do our secret handshake. I feel guilty because I don’t want to say goodbye to him again. It hurts too much. But I hope that in what is likely the sunset of his life, he feels loved-that he’s leaving this earth to go over his hill and see, what he will find there, with grace in his heart and flowers in her hair.

My gramps is more than a grandfather-he’s my hero. He’s who I want to be.

Mi amigo, mi muchacho.

Yo!

Mumford and Sons – Timshel

Cold is the water
It freezes your already cold mind
Already cold, cold mind
And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we’ll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we’ll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And I will tell the night
Whisper, “Lose your sight”
But I can’t move the mountains for you

He is the Wonder in Their Eyes

For an anniversary/fathers day gift, my beautiful wife regifted the gift I gave her for Mothers Day.  The opportunity to tell a story and have that story portrayed beautifully by the very talented Emily Nix over at Kiss + Tell Me.

The story of my biological father not being in my life is one that will always have left it’s footprint on me. I will always carry the what if’s, the why’s and the WTF’s in my heart…but this story makes me feel like I can do anything. This story makes me feel like I am an excellent father. While I had a stepdad-and he is an excellent man-there was always something missing. This story makes that hole feel a little less empty today.

Thank you Emily for putting together a beautiful story!

Thank you Jenny for providing me with this gift.  You are the perfect mother to my boys and we are so very lucky to have you!

Enjoy the story!

He is the Wonder in Their Eyes
For the Maestas Family

Since they began dating, she knew he wanted to be a father. From the moment they were married, he made it clear how much he desired a family to lead, to guide, to protect and to provide for.

To make up for the father he did not have.

And when they found out they would be parents of a little boy, he cried. He cried tears of fear, of excitement and of opportunity.  Fear, because he had no foundation from which to model fatherhood, and excitement for the chance to be the rock that his son will always have.

To be the man who would never leave.

And in the years since the birth of their first son, and now as the father of two boys, he blesses and leads his sons every day without even realizing it.

His every action echoes his desire to provide for the family he loves. She is in awe of his dedication to bettering their lives. He finishes classwork during his lunch hour, each day one step closer to earning his degree, and an example to his sons to never, ever give up and to honor their commitments.

When he comes home from work and a commute, without a moment’s hesitation he has changed clothes and is with his boys. She falls more in love with him each day as she watches him interact with their sons. She has seen so many families where the father took a back seat role to his wife in raising their family, and her heart bursts to see that this involvement-this passion- to be a dad is all he wants to do and be.

She watches him teach and model all of the things little boys are. He shows them how to cut down trees and throw rocks and wrestle on the floor. To be loud, to be dirty, to be boys- these are all things she can’t show them. But he does, and she is blessed to witness her boys being raised by a man.

A man who is quick to love, forgive and provide an example to not only tell, but show, how to do something. It makes her proud to know he is a disciplinarian to the boys, but also an example of tenderness. She sees his respect for others- no matter who they are-  and is confident in the gentlemen her sons will become because of his teaching. The sons he raises will open doors, mind their manners, say yes sir and ma’am.  And, because they are his sons, they will share his love of baseball.

And they will grow up knowing his heart and compassion for people, his innate sense to see when people are hurting and left out, and his ability put someone at ease. She prays that her boys will follow in his example, and in some ways she sees it happening. Already, she knows she is in trouble, as their oldest son already has his sense of humor and sense of joy in most any situation.

To her, knowing her boys are going to grow up with his instruction is the best expression of love that they can have and that he can show her. She is eager to see their boys grow to become who God has created them to be and to watch them discover the confidence to be able to use their callings in their lives.

She is excited for all of the moments and memories their family is going to make- trips to the mountains, fishing, to the ballpark, camping in the backyard- and to see the wonder in their eyes as they experience something new. She falls more deeply in love with him each day as she sees him teaching them to recognize that wonder, and when she looks at her sons, she knows their eyes sparkle just as his do.

And, just as he comes home each day to the learn the joy of living that his sons are experiencing, she wants him to be affirmed that each new day and new experience is a promise that he is not defined by his past, but creating a legacy for his sons in the present.

He does not need to worry about solving a formula or reading a book to become a perfect dad.

Because he is showing them through all he does that he can be, and he will be, and he is their
perfect dad.

to my love…

I look back.

I picture this beautiful woman with soft, milky white skin. Beautiful brown eyes and long curly brown hair. I think about the night we met. The hours we spent talking on the phone. The strawberry shortcake shirts that drove me crazy, yet you pulled it off. I think about missing her dearly when she was gone and I think about the  anticipation I felt when she’d return. I remember her smell…I remember how passionately she would stare into my eyes. I remember laying on the hood of my car, sharing a biggie frosty and enjoying Death Cab for Cutie until the stars were as bright as they could get that night.

I think about our first date at a terrible “fancy” restaurant that was made up with an ice cream cake from DQ and making out during the 2nd season of Lost. I laugh when I think about coming inches away from naming our first born Wily Mo Maestas. I remember joking about a driving trip to the east coast and then the next thing we are in a car driving east.  I remember getting tattoos the night before we drove 25 hours to Boston. What were we thinking?

I remember dancing in the Boston Common with a thousand people watching us but not caring. I miss sitting on the edge of the earth, our feet dangling over the dock and dead jellyfish floating under our feet. I dream about going back to Boston with you.

Our wedding day…a beautiful day with our friends and family gathered around us. Beautiful music, weather, and the most beautiful woman on the world. I am the luckiest man on the face of the earth. And in only a way that we operate, a beautiful day ends with puking and traveling miserably to a terrible honeymoon cruise! Somehow even sick you still glowed of love, beauty and I never thought I could love you more

until….

 

You come home with a pregnancy test that was broken but contained a hidden positive message. You carried my baby…my first born son. I loved watching you grow not only physically, but maturing into a magnificent mother. I thank God everyday for you and for Him giving me the best mom for my children.

I remember the look on your face when you saw Jack for the first time…the tears streaming down your face and the joy beaming from your eyes. You have never been more beautiful.

2.5 years later, here we are….back at square one. Tired, beaten down, but never happier. You have made our family more complete with our beautiful, handsome Miles. You are a different person than the day I met you.  I didn’t know it…but you found a way to improve perfection. July 26th, 2006, the day I proposed to you, I thought you were perfect.  You were. You still are…but it’s a different kind of perfect.  You find new ways to let me fall in love with you. I am a changed person because of you…I am a better man because of you.

I love you Norm Petersen. Thank you for loving me.

….and now we are four

i can’t believe that today is finally here.  the day that our family jumps from three to four.  there are so many emotions that are burning thru my skull right now and i can’t wait for him to finally get here.  I remember with jack, holding him for the first time-there were so many unknowns and i feel like i let the uncertainty take over my heart and didn’t allow me to fully embrace the moment.   now i know what to expect, i know what will happen and now that jack’s little brother is a mere 3.5 hours away from gracing us with his presence, i won’t make the mistake of letting the uncertainty keep me from enjoying the moment and loving both of my sons with every single inch of my heart.

as i’m sitting here in this dark room, my mom, phil, & sister sleeping 15 feet from me, drinking coffee and enjoying a few last minutes of the maestas party of 3, i’m a bit of an emotional mess.  my heart is so anxious to be able to love on miles but at the same time, a part of me feels like i’m cheating on jack.  i know that is not the case but i’m so in love with that little boy and now that love will be shared and i feel a bit guilty.

i know that’s not the case and i pray everyday that jack feels loved more when miles comes than he ever did before.  i can’t wait to take him to the mall to ride the ponies and get frozen yogurt with him. i can’t wait to get a big sloppy wet kiss when i come back home for the first time. i can’t wait to hear him say “car car car car car” over again when he’s playing with his favorite Lightning McQueen.  I can’t wait for him to see miles for the first time, how curious he will be.  one thing i know for sure is that miles will feel so much love from jack.  jack is maybe the most affectionate little boy i have ever known, so willing to hug & kiss and it melts my heart. he will be a fantastic big brother and for that, i’m proud.

i’m proud that i will have the opportunity to raise two boys and show them how to be men. how to play, how to be responsible, how to work hard but play hard, how to love a woman the right way, and show them the way to the Father.

it’s about time to pack the car and leave this place, Maestas party of 3 and come back a more complete family than we left.

this day will share with Nov 26th, 2008 as the best day of my life. my little buddy miles-you and your big brother make me a better man.  i can’t wait to meet you!

With arms wide open

There’s something about the last few days of being comfortable that I can’t quite describe.  6 years ago, it was just me.  5 years ago, it turned into me and Jenny who became my wife.  2 years ago we welcomed a son into this family.  Now, in less than 13 days we will once again, step out of our comfort zone, out of what we know and into parenthood again.  It’s a feeling I enjoy but it’s a bit frightening at the same time.  We have a little monster at 2 years old that is independent and cranky and full of love and huge 2 year old poops and we love him.  But he is a mother lovin handful! Here’s the deal…I wouldn’t trade jack in for anything.  I would straight up die for that kid.  If someone said “Jack’s life is in danger and the only way he can be safe is if you take a gun to your head and end your life,” I would do it.  But one is easy ( for the most part.) I don’t know what’s going to happen with two.  It’s scary….

But it’s also beautiful, knowing that soon I will see this little man who has been kicking mommy’s ribs trying to escape the hatch he’s been locked in for 8.5 months pressing the numbers 4 8 15 16 23 42 over and over so mommy’s uterus doesn’t blow up.  I remember holding Jack for the first time.  Hands down, the best moment of my life.

But what will happen with number 2?  Will holding him for the first time take over as the best moment?  Will there be things I love about Miles that I don’t like about Jack and vice versa?  How do you love them both the same?  Does it just happen that way or do you have to fight it?  The unknown is ugly.

I have a hard time believing that I could ever think one is better than the other. They may have different traits but in the end, they are my blood…my life…my sons.  I am so lucky to have 2 boys to teach, to love, to share adventure with and a wife that will give all she can to this family.

Pregnancy is beautiful.  To see my boy grow inside of his mommy has been fun.  I haven’t been able to take many pictures during this pregnancy but we got out on a sub zero day to take some pictures.  I want to share some of the beauty with you that I’ve been blessed with. I’m excited to share this journey of the addition to our family with you.  If you are the praying type, please pray for an easy labor, a healthy boy, and a 2 year old who feels we could never love him less than we do now!

Gurl, you’re amazing-just the way you are…

I will admit, seeing Jack for the very first time was definitely the best day of my life.  But there is a day that tends to get forgotten about in the midst of daddyhood, poopy diapers and Disney/Pixar’s Cars playing over and over and over and over and over and over…the day I got married.

Sometimes I feel like I’m only dad and I forget about the husband part.  That’s pretty bush league, but it’s the God’s honest truth.  When we become dads, a lot of times we become less of a husband.  It’s all of the small things…the massages become fewer and more far between, the random dances in the kitchen when your favorite Richard Marx song comes on the Pandoras, running fingers through her hair (but forget to wash your hands after you take a piss and get in more trouble than you would have been in before..nevermind) the point is…the day you become a dad, your marriage tends to get pushed a little to the backseat.

Now that Jack is getting older and more independent, I’ve been thinking about my marriage and how parenthood has affected it.  We still flirt but after bubba bedtime-we’re pretty beat and tend to relax and choose to forgo our 3 month scheduled sexual endeavor (how the fuzzle did we pass on pirate/piratess night?!?!)

I want to get back to the point where I do came first. I want to let my bride know that she’s still my main lady and that my heart will ache for nobody but her.  I want her to know that I would give up everything to make her feel my love.  She is my heart.

Here are a few things I love about Mrs. Jenny Maestas

1) That smile kills me

2) That Sweet sweet ass

3) No matter how rough of a day she’s had, she always finds time to show her love to me

4) #3 is usually in the form of a lengthy back scratch

5) She is the most beautiful woman these eyes have ever seen-Truth

6) She has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met

7) Cursing is not natural to her and when she does-it’s the cutest motha lovin thing ever!

8 ) She is the perfect mother to mah babies

9) I know that for life-she will love me more closer to the end than she did in the beginning

10) In the mornings-when we snuggle before I leave for work-she wakes up and nuzzles her head underneath mine and I feel like she is all mine-she trusts me to protect her-that I am a man and I don’t feel more alive than when I’m with her.

Being a dad=being a good husband and role model to our sons and showing them the right way to love a woman.

thank you-for everything….I’m glad you own my heart.

I love you, Norm! Girl you’re amazing, just the way you are!

Bruno Mars-Just the way you are

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they’re not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She’s so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don’t see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she’d let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She’s so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you’re searching for
Then just stay the same

So don’t even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are

An Easy Love…But I could never have enough!

This is an open letter to my son, Jack.

Dear Jack-

As far back as i can remember, I’ve wanted to be a daddy. I wanted a little boy to play catch with, to wrestle with, and to love with everything that I can.  I remember when your mommy told me that she was pregnant with you.  I had no idea it was actually going to happen and it looked like I was going to pull all of my hair out. Daddy may have even said a naughty word-but I asked for forgiveness shortly after

While you were in mommy’s belly, we were scared because the doctors said your heart had holes in it and your kidney was going away.  We wanted so badly to protect you, to hold you, and to comfort you so you knew everything could be ok.  We prayed hard for you lil buddy.  Everything has worked out well and now you are with us.  When you were born, it was the best day of my life.  I remember staying up late at night feeding you (although mommy did it way more) and you would give me a cute little smile while you enjoyed some of mommys milk. You have given me so much joy and I do not deserve to have you as my son. My love for you little buddy will be shared with you every single day and I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re not loved.

There may be times when you get in trouble that daddy has put you in a time out.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t love you…I just want you to learn that sometimes talking back to mommy & daddy isn’t ok. With every day, you become more and more respectful of your mom and me and I’m so proud to see you growing into such a beautiful young man. I still can’t believe that in just over one month, you are going to be two years old. I can’t wait to see you grow up and who you are going to be.

I want you to know, Jack, that the sky is unlimited. You are soooo smart and you catch onto things so quickly.  You can be whatever it is you want to be. President, aerospace technician, an electrician, baseball player, or spelling bee champion.  Whatever it is, fight to be the best you can be.  Work hard and you will never go wrong!

Before you were born, daddy wrote some words for you.  I’ve never shown anyone this but I read it to you when you were in mommys belly.  i want to share it with you now.

I love you Jack.

An Easy Love by daddy for Jack

I can’t hear you

but my heart feels you singing

I can’t touch you

But I can feel you surround me

I can’t see you

But I can hear your heart beating

I know you’re far away

But I have never felt closer

I can’t wait to be with you

To wrap my arms around you

Cause when you come

You bring me new life

Your simple touch

There’s nothing more divine

An easy love

But I could never have enough.

Time moves so slow

Anxiously waiting, anticipating

To see if this is real

To know it’s not make believe

How deep will this love grow

Will it be easy to make you mine

Cause when you come

You bring new life

Your simple touch

There’s nothing more divine

An Easy Love

But I could never have enough

I’ve never been more afraid

But I know we’ll be ok

Footprints in the sand

Walking hand in hand.

Cause when you come

You bring new life

Your simple touch

I’ll never understand

This easy love

but I will never have enough.

I’ll know my name as it’s called again…

I don’t know exactly what it is, I can’t describe it but I’ll give it a try. The type of man that I feel I am now that I am a dad of 1 (Jack) and another on the way…the change it brought about is something that I think only dad’s feel.  While at the same time, we are still the inappropriate, gassy, handsome men we were before kids…there’s something that clicks inside of us. I feel a sense of urgency when it comes to Jack.  I want to make sure he’s taken care of. I want to make sure he grows up a big, strong, chivalrous, and respectable young man.

While the wants and desires are there for him to be like that, it’s not always the easiest thing to put into action.  Being a dad is definitely the toughest thing I’ve ever done.  It’s frustrating, it’s tiring, but it’s also amazing. One thing I’ve learned with Jack’s new found independence is that I can now give him options because he’s beginning to understand the difference between right and wrong. I know that he will not always pick the right path, but if I lead him down the right path 95% of the time-hopefully he will see the pattern and continue it long into life.

A few things I wish I would have learned while younger: 1) How to save money and manage debt 2) The love of a woman is special-but men can ruin it with promiscuity 3) Finish what you start 4) Find what you love and go for it!

At times-because of my track record and the choices I made, I don’t feel as if I’m qualified to be a dad.  I don’t feel like I’m deserving of the love I get from my wife & son.  I feel like the Karma Police should come and take me away and send me to the Death Eaters. Because I only ever heard “I love you” from my grandfather/grandmother/mom, at times-i didn’t feel love. My mom loved me with all she had-and there’s absolutely nothing like a mothers love. But there is something about not feeling the love from your dad that stings. Because of this I’m still struggling with the fact that people do love me. I don’t understand the concept of God’s love. After all of the crap I put people through, I’m supposed to believe that my God loves like a hurricane. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel His love a lot. And honestly-at times I feel like I don’t love my family as much as I can because of this.

The stories we live aren’t always going to have happy endings. The climax of our stories can get ugly. What I’ve found is that while the stories may suck at times while you are in the middle of them, it’s how we react, it’s how we struggle, it’s how we resolve that makes a story worth living.  I know that our God will be there to let us feel love when we need it. We just have to be willing to accept it. I need to depend on my Maker’s Hand.

I’m in the middle of my story and things are beginning to work out for us. Another baby is on the way, we are working on a lot of our debt, I am in the running for a job that will let me use my talents the best way possible, and I’m working on being the dad that my son deserves.  I’m going to love him, discipline him, kiss him and love on him with all that I am.  I’m on my way to knowing my name as it’s called again.

Mumford & Sons-The Cave

It’s empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you’ve left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I’ll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker’s hand

So make your siren’s call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again